A Personal Revelation

Call it a revelation. Call it an epiphany. Call it a wake-up call. Call it whatever you like, I had one last week. I've had a crush on this particular guy for almost a year. He's attractive, smart, and nice. He's much older than me; about 12 years to be exact. Just a tad shorter than me. Which is strange because I never like guys who are shorter than me. I've always had this thing with height. Usually I wouldn't give a guy a second glance when I find out that I'm taller than him. But this guy was different. When I moved away from the South, I also moved away from him. I saw him on a weekly basis when I lived in the South. We were only friends. Not really close friends, but friends.

Just last Thursday I found out he was dating someone. She's a nice lady. And as much as my heart hurt, I was happy for them. To tell you the truth, I frequently did wonder why they weren't dating. They're going to get married. They don't know that yet. But they are going to marry each other. How do I know you ask? I'm psychic about these things. I've predicted marriages and break-ups. I don't know if you call it a gift. But it's something I've been able to do.

Now that's not the epiphany. My epiphany was something that disturbed me. I became upset with myself. After I got over the short heartache, I felt free. I don't ever remember feeling free after a heartache. I felt free because I realized that I was trying to be something that I wasn't when I liked this guy. I never thought I was good enough for him. Though I've seen him for about two hours in the past 10 months, my mind always felt the need to be perfect. Specifically a good Christian gal, since I knew him from church. Well ... I'm just not good at that. Sometimes I equate being Christian to being Perfect. Well, I'm not perfect, and shame on me for trying to be perfect and to be good enough for him.

So the question I have for myself is, "who am I?" For the past year I've tried to be someone that I'm not. So what have I missed out on? What kind of life have I not lived because of this crush? I'm having to find out who I am again. I'm having to tell myself that it's okay to be a certain way despite what other people may think. It's not their opinion that should matter. And besides, do I really want to act a certain way for a guy to like me? That would be stupid of me because I would have to be someone I'm not around him. That's not being true to myself, and it's hard to keep up the act.

So I'm trying to take mental notes I who I am. Some may seem silly. But this is who I am.

1. I happen to like watching documentaries on the American Revolution time period. Yes, for fun I borrow from the library the four volume video set of Founding Brothers, based on the book with the same title by Joseph Ellis.
2. I think Benjamin Franklin was cool fella in his day. I think it's neat that he was a vegetarian for the reason to save money to buy books. I think Mr. Franklin would be one of those present-day scholars who would discuss politics at a bar with a beer in hand. You've got to admire that.
3. I sometimes pass the time crocheting or knitting. Yes it can be boring, but so is television when nothing is good on.
4. I like to smoke on a balcony when it's dark outside. My first cigarette was on a balcony at night. I have the chance to see my world from my balcony. For the years I didn't smoke, I still craved a cigarette on the balcony. And since it seems I've picked the habit up once again (after last week's horrible news), I go to my balcony a dusk and enjoy a smoke.
5. I don't have to be happy unless I want to. So, everyone, get over it. I'm not always going to have a smile on my face, and I'm not always going to be friendly. Most of the time, yes, I will be. But not all the time.
6. If I want to read a romance book, by hell, I'm going to read it. Many librarians look down on people who read romance books, but sometimes you need something short and sweet just to raise your spirits.
7. I hate reality shows. For the most part, I'm fucking tired of them. There's only one I'm considering on watching... Beauty and the Geek, and I only watched the last 10 minutes of it tonight.
8. I have a tendency to make weird faces. It goes along with the situation I'm in. Don't ask me where it started. I don't know. I can have a poker face when I need one.
9. Speaking of Poker, I'd love to learn how to play Texas Hold'em. I enjoy watching it on television. That is, if I had the money for cable. I don't have ESPN. Or ESPN 2. Or really nothing.
10. (I'll get to number 10 later.)