Friday, August 18, 2006

Homesick

I'm feeling so homesick right now that the feeling seems to dwell in my bones.
There are errands I need to run before it's dark and I don't have the gumption to do them. I don't want to be on the streets of Ohio. It seems so unpleasant to me. The green grass up here doesn't compare to the beauty of Kentucky. There are no rock fences to admire. No rolling hills of green with scattered trees to sooth me. I don't have the chance to watch horses gallop across the land. No barns to come across. I hear sirens and car horns on these streets, where in Kentucky I would hear nature. There's nothing like driving down a country road with the windows open and sense nature traveling thru the car.
Once I was in a car riding along the Scenic Bypass in Central Kentucky with all the windows open. It was Fall. A stray leaf came in from the passenger side window, traveled across in front of the driver and out the driver's window. I'd like to think the leaf said, "hello."
I miss being around my family. I'm amazed at how much strength they provide me. Being up here, without them, I feel really weak. Not physically, but still weak.
I had the strong urge to talk with Memaw. It was the sewing that brought the urge. I feel close to Memaw when I begin to sew, and at the same time, sad. The quilts she gave me while growing up are my prized possessions. I'm learning to sew now that she's gone. While finishing up my first project, a lap quilt, I wanted to call her up and ask, "am I doing this correctly?" Her phone number is still in my cell phone. I don't have the heart to delete it. My mom gave me some of Memaw's leftover fabric she never used. I'll tell you, the colors are not the prettiest in the world, but I look at them and think, "I can't waste them. I can't make a mistake with them. They were Memaw's." I want to make several quilts from them, but I'm afraid of making too many errors with them that they end up as waste.
I unfolded one the pieces of fabric, held it up to my nose, took a deep breath and I was transported to Memaw's house. I saw her sitting in her favorite chair. I felt her giving me a hug. I felt her hug. I saw her smile. I heard her laugh. I heard her say, "you're going to move back down here and take care of me. Aren't you."
I wondered how long that scent would last. How much would remain once I washed it? It doesn't need to be washed. Does it?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Someone explain to me...

Someone explain to me why after a month of being smoke-free, I picked up a cigarette and smoked it to completion. I smoked a couple in fact. I blame it on stress. They say exercise is good to handle stress, but when it's midnight, your mind is racing with "what if's" and you can't sleep, exercise doesn't seem to be the answer.

Vacation gave me the rest I needed. Sleep, read, and clean. (Cleaning doesn't sound like vacation but I enjoyed straightening the basement with all it's clutter. That doesn't mean I'm coming to your house to do the same though.) I come back to Ohio to realize I have an interview for a job back in Kentucky. I have one day to prepare and work around my schedule for this interview. In my mind I'm thinking, "Is this a courtesy interview? Do they have someone in mind for the job?" The phone call for the interview came while I was away and they were in a hurry to fill the position. I made the call Monday morning, and I had to interview the next day or I was out of luck. That's a two to two and one half hour trip one way for an hour interview. Needless to say, I was completely tired when I came back to Ohio last night.
I have another job interview set for this Friday. This one is for my boss's job. He's moving on to higher and better, and calmer places. Me and a co-worker are both applying. We work side-by-side many times. It feels odd to go up against her for the job. At first she wasn't thinking about applying but she changed her mind when she say the salary. She's married with a baby on the way. The money will help her family. As soon as I found out she was vying for the job I felt defeated. I compare us and feel that the "power's that be" will chose her over me. Shit. I hate feeling like that.
So, one job would take me back to Kentucky, other will keep me in Ohio - the land of useless nuts. (The Buckeye tree is the official Ohio tree. You can't do squat with the nuts from the tree. Therefore, Ohioans are useless nuts.) Let's do a comparison of the jobs...
Kentucky job....
  • I'm back in my home state of Kentucky (+)
  • I'll be closer to my family (+)
  • It's in a rural area (+/-)
  • The salary isn't as high as the Ohio position (-)
  • I won't be working in a public library setting (+/-)
  • I'm going to feel clueless in the job (-) But, I still think I can do it.
  • I already have two years of retirement with the system I would be working for (+)
  • I'll have my own office (+)

Ohio job....

  • Higher salary than the Kentucky job (+)
  • I'll still be in Ohio (-)
  • I'll still be away from my family (-)
  • I'll remain near my friends I've made here (-)
  • The position would give me supervisory experience (+)
  • I'll be in a public library setting (+/-)
  • I'll have my own office (+)
  • I'll be supervising people I've worked side-by-side with (+/-)

One thing about the Kentucky job, I feel my parents have very high hopes that I get the job. I know my parents are proud of me no matter if I get the job or not, but I know how much they would like me back in the state.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Vacation Summary #2

I slept in the basement at home. It was the coolest place in the house, and also the messiest. The basement is our family's attic. Once upon a time, it was fairly clean. Considering much of what is downstairs is my stuff. When I moved into a small efficeincy apartment during graduate school I had to store all unnecessary items at my parents. That was four years ago. Since then I've graduated, moved to my sisters place, obtained a full-time job, moved to Ohio an into a bigger apartment and much of my belongings are still there. I swear I'm trying to discard many of the items. If my dad would let me. He's a back rat, and what can I say, I am my father's daughter. I hold onto things. But not last week. I did my best to either give items away, or throw them away. It's very hard to do that when my dad will "save" the items I'm trying to discard. I was 50% successful.
At least the basement is somewhat organized. (The librarian in me came out.) Dad uses discarded cardboard boxes to organize everything. Overtime, they just don't hold out at our place. A couple trips to Wal-Mart and I organized many "saved" items into see-thru shelving units and rubbermaid tubs. It looks so much better, but you can barely tell I made a dent in the basement.

Vacation Summary #1

Instead of writing a daily summary of my vacation days, I've decided to write summaries covering the week.
I spent much of the week laying in bed and reading. Ten books, and one dictionary were bought during vacation. I read four of them and started reading three others. I mentioned I traveled to the local Border's bookstore which is 30 -35 miles away from home. I wanted to make a second trip towards the end of the week, but a trip to the movies with my mom near a local Empire Bookstore saved that trip. I want to ask my mom "Are you sure?" anytime she mentions going to a bookstore with me. I love to look around. And look around. And look around. I don't want my mom waiting on me. I should not have worried because after my tour of the bookstore I found her comfortably sitting in a chair reading a book.
I've come to hate paying full price for a book. I've frequented too many used books stores to feel any need to buy a title at Barnes and Noble or Borders. That's not to say I won't. If the books stands out and it say's "you must buy me," there's a good chance I will. But hope is not lost, I usually have a coupon with me. Such was the case earlier in the week at Borders when I bought The Oxford History of Medieval Europe / George Holmes. Sounds like boring reading, but I was in the mood for history. My mom looked at the title, gave a small eye roll and said, "I like for my books to have some sex in it." Don't worry mom, I've got those books too. In fact, I read a couple those over the week.
I know there are some people question me as to why I buy books. I'm a librarian. I have books at my disposal everyday. Well, sometimes I'm slow to read. I renew books 5 or 6 times (and I don't have to pay late fees). After a while I think, "Just buy the damn book." I usually get around to reading it.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Vacation Day #2

Vacation day number two was mostly spent reading. No pressure to do anything else but relax and read. Oh, and I spent time at two different book stores. There's a used paperback bookstore in town which isn't too bad. I've been going to this store since I was about five years old. Granted, then I was standing beside my mom waiting for her to finish searching for books. Now, it's my turn to be as leisurely as I wish in the store. The other bookstore was the local Border's bookstore which is approximately 35 miles away. I'm willing to drive the miles for a broader selection. I was in the mood for some world history.

Appropriately timed, I came across the book Hiroshima by John Hersey. August 6th was the 61st anniversary of the atomic bomb landing in Hiroshima. The book gives an account of six individuals living in Hiroshima when the bomb dropped. It's a very sad and eye opening account of these individuals who lived to tell their story about the bombing. Growing up, I heard about the atomic bomb and Hiroshima. I knew it was devastating, but reading about it, first hand accounts, it's tragic.

Hiroshima is a small book, approximately 150 pages but it packs a punch. After finishing this, I settled down with a trashy romance book. That one is finished, so now I'm choosing between some Mark Twain, Jane Austen, and Medieval history. But then if my brain feels overwhelmed, I have more trashy romance novels waiting for me.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Vacation Day 1 1/2

I'm back in my hometown vacationing with my parents. We're at really happening place. It's called home, and I do not want to be anywhere else. Rest. Rest. Rest. That's all I ask. And so far, that's what I'm getting. Mom and I briefly considered getting away but we had the same conclusion, "No."

Here's a log and some thoughts of being home...

  1. I'm just waiting to run into someone from high school. It always happens, and usually I'm not looking forward to it. This shouldn't be a surprise to everyone. I didn't attend my high school reunion.
  2. Mom and I went to Bob Evan for dinner and she presented me with the, "Don't you remember her?" I wish my parents wouldn't do that to me. I can't remember everyone from my past. It doesn't matter that I'm in my hometown. A lady who worked with my mom just before her retirement came to our table to say hi. Mom gave her a hug, they turned to me and mom asked the question, "Don't you remember her?" I looked a my mom straight in the eye and said, "Oh please don't do this to me." She was supposedly my fifth grade teacher. I can tell you for a fact that she wasn't my teacher. She very well could have been my sister's fifth grade teacher, but she wasn't mine. She seems to think I was one of her students. I wasn't.
  3. Until coming home, I had not acquired one mosquito bite. Not one. That's a good record for me. In one night I about 20 mosquito bites. The majority on my calves. I woke up scratching at 5:30 a.m. and I headed straight to the local 24 hour Wal-Mart for an anti-itch cream. My legs look to have the chicken pox.
  4. Saw the movie The Devil Wears Prada with my mom. There's one scene with the actress Ann Hathaway brushing her teeth. Why is it, when in television or the big screen, when we see the actors brushing their teeth there doesn't seem to be toothpaste used? It looks like they are just dry brushing their teeth. Where's the runny toothpaste coming from their mouth running down their chin and coming close to dripping on their shirt? There has to be realism with acting. People, where is the toothpaste? I can't be the only person who experiences this.
  5. It's a good thing Mom and I decided not to go away while I'm vacation. That saved money to buy a much needed toilet that had it's last flush when I arrived. (I promise I didn't do anything to it.) So, Mom and I visit Lowe's to look at toilets. Mom's found the one she wants for the house, then we come across a row of toilets sitting on the floor. We were first looking a toilets up on a display. Mom is looking at the seat heights, bowl capacity (always important), and she lifts the lids. You notice the toilet seats are designed differently and I get the thought, "Oh my goodness, she's not going to sit down on one of those to test it out?" Then I have to ask the Lowe's worker, "Excuse me, do a lot of people sit on these toilets to test them out?" She looks at me and slowly nods her head. I don't know if she's slowly nodding as to say, "I know and I can't believe they do it either," or the "I can't believe you just asked that question. Of course people sit on them." She did tell me that people sit on them just to be sitting on them. They're just resting their legs. I got to thinking about my question. It would be smart to lift the lid and sit for a while. I mean, people get constipated. They have to sit on the toilet for some time. It might as well be a good fit.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

At this moment...

At this moment in time, I have the distinct feeling that life sucks.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Bitch and Moan Session

My vacation has officially started but I have the sneeky suspicion that I won't rest. Right now my mind feels as if it's on straight caffine. It won't calm down. Damn it. I've had two, no three shitty days at work and my mind won't shut down. I'm tempted to do one of two things to solve this dilemma...

1. Go to a local fabric store. Buy fabric and focus on making a quilt. I finished my first one a couple weeks ago. I had a one track mind when working on it. Not too much of anything floated in my brain except working on the quilt. Almost theraputic.

2. Find a decent liquor store. Search for something new to drink. Buy a pack of cigarettes to go with it and enjoy the night on my balcony. If you've been reading this blog, you know I'm not a heavy drinker. I'll buy a six pack of Sam Adams and Smirnoff Ice and let it sit in the refrigerator till it goes bad. (Yes, Festi I had to throw 5 bottles of Sam Adams down the drain because they had gone bad.) But, occassionally I like to try something new. Also, if you've been reading this blog, you'll know I've made an attempt to quit smoking. It's been almost a month since I've had a cigarette. August 10th will be a month. I'd really like to have one tonight.
______________________________
There were two gentlemen who came to the library that made me want to scream. One yesterday and one today.
First off, would someone please tell me what I do that encourages men who visit the library to make unwanted passes at me? I don't wear revealing clothes. I don't wiggle my hips or ass. I don't flirt. I work at the library. I'm nice and helpful.
Yesterday, a man calls to ask questions about the library. "Do you have internet access, wireless access, fax machines, what are your hours, blah, blah, and blah." I respectfully gave him the answers he needed. He was a jolly fellow on the phone. An out of towner from California. He gave me his name (first and last). I said my first name. (It happens on occassion that people will give their name and they expect your name in return. They get my first name and that's it.) Thirty minutes later, my phone rings at the office. My phone hardly ever rings. So I'm thinking this must be important. "This is ______ _______." On the other line, it's him. He remembered my name and specifically asked for me. He had some more questions. For crying out loud.
One to two hours later, he arrives at the library and I'm able to pass him off to another librarian since I was busy answering another question. Fifteen minutes later he approaches the desk saying our wireless connection isn't working. (Which isn't a surprise to me knowing the head of our Automation Department is an asshole.) So I'm doing what ever trick I know to get the wireless connection fixed. He's using a Macintosh computer, the library uses PC. I only use a PC, and he seems to think it's okay to crack jokes at me that I must be a "computer snob" because I don't like a Mac. First off, Mac's fucking confused me when I first approached them. PC's became my friend when to me they were more user friendly. He has to chat and chat and say how better the Mac is than a PC. Like I fucking care at this point.
We are able to finally get wireless for him. For a short time at least. Now he's wanting to know if there are places around town that have wireless access. This CA man is expecting a lot from a small town. "Well don't you have a Starbucks?" My co-worker and I let out a laugh. "No we don't."
I've made this into a log story (sorry about that), but soon, he was asking me where I lived. He has a family reunion in the near by area. The same area as to where I live. I don't want to send him anywhere I may be in town. Because by now I'm trying to give him directions to some restaurants that have wireless access, and I've become completely confused. I'm wanting him out of the library so fast that I can't concentrate on North, South, East and West. He's got me so damned confused, talking to fast, not letting me think straight. All I want to say is, "See the door, walk out and keep going."
But, before he leaves, he stops to give me his business card (with his cell phone number he tells me) and to give him a call. I'm thinking, "Oh please don't do this. What the fuck did I do?" I tell him to have a good night.
Later that night, I meet up with some friends at a local bar/eatery/pub and tell this story. I tell my friend the event with the Real Estate / Finance broker from California. I tell her about the whole frustrating event of trying to give directions while he was talking and confusing me. She tells me, "It's called flirting." Without skipping a beat I reply, "It's called annoying the shit out of me."
That guy annoyed me. I may have had different feelings had it been a guy I was attracted too.
_________
That's it for now.