Thursday, June 30, 2005

Finally feeling Settled

So I'm finally feeling settled here in Ohio. Still not too keen about the Ohio shoppers, but I don't have the desperate desire to return to my home state. I still miss my family and friends there, but I like the feeling of independence here.

You can't force yourself to like a new place. There may come a time when you will, but it can't be force. You'll probably hate your new surroundings even more it you force it on yourself. I'm learing to take my time and see what Ohio has to offer. The important part is knowing how happy you are. If you're not happy with yourself, you won't be happy any where. Location isn't going to change that.

I have to say, when I first moved up here, there was nothing that I liked. The locals would praise some of the various shops around here. Particularly one bookstore. And I love bookstores. Especially used book stores. I still haven't found a really good used bookstore. I think I'll have to travel a bit for that one. The locals love the bookstore Books and Company. Everyone I talk to has good things to say about it. I'm expecting this wonderful bookstore. In my mind I'm thinking that it's huge and has all sorts of books. Maybe something more from what everyone tells me. All I could say was, "this is it?" I have to say, I was disappointed. I come from a city where the independent bookstore was two stories. The place was huge and wonderful. It didn't have the used books I like to buy, but it had everything else. New books, books signed by the authors, stationary and cards, children's section with tons of books, a cafe where you could have dinner and dessert, magazine section, music section, and plenty of chairs and benches to sit down and read. Special displays were set up for different occassions. I miss the place terribly. Just in case you are curious, it's Joseph - Beth Booksellers. JoeBeth for short. Everyone in town knows about it.

My anxiety about living here has faded. Maybe that was my big problem. There was too much anxiety flowing through my veins. I feel more calm.

My next problem is how to answer my family and friends when they tell me of job openings in my home state. They still want me to return. My answer has always been, "now is not the right time." And it's true. As much as I wanted to stay in my home state, the job opening here felt right. Moving here felt right. I can't explain it accept to say it's instinct. That's the same feeling I have to stay here in Ohio right now.

I hoping to buy a house in the future up here. I'm tired of living in a small apartment. Sometime soon hopefully.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Nothing new

Not much to report today. At least nothing that I want to vocalize. Sorry folks. Have a good day everyone.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

She created a monster

My friend may regret ever taking me to a sex toy shop. I wonder if she thinks she created a monster.

I am a relatively modest and shy person. (Believe what I say and not as I do.) A couple of years ago, my friend decided to take me to a local sex shop. Her whole purpose was to see how embarassed I would become. I knew she was doing it for that reason. No matter, I'll do it. I wasn't going to back down.

This was one of those establishments where you walk in the back door, and up the stairs. Once upstairs you see a wall of sex novelites (dildos, vibrators, and etc.) There are dvds to rent and magazines to buy. I think I held up fairly well. I walked around for about 10 minutes (with her right by my side) before I said, "ok, I'm ready to go."

A couple of weeks go by, I call her up and say, "let's go back. I want something."

She was shocked by my request, "are you sure you want to do this?"

That started it all.

Now she thinks I'm the expert on sex toys. It's true that I can tell her, "that one's no good." But I wouldn't call myself an expert. I've just become a little more bold. I've walked into sex shops on my own and bought something. I've also walked in alone, notice only guys were there (one was learing at me), and walked back out.

In my experience, you don't really look at the other people who are shopping there. But this past weekend I couldn't help but watch the other individuals shopping. Now this particular story was classier than the first I went to. But to tell you the truth, I'd rather shop at Hustler of Hollywood. Shocking, but true. A big picture of Larry Flynt greets you at the door. Their motto is, "Relax, it's just sex." Anyways, back to this weekend.

There were two couples that I watched how they interacted with one another. They were in their forties or fifties, and all four of them knew each other. They all stayed together, the women were going from dildo to vibrator to clit ticklers making comments about each one. Comments such as "I like this one," "this one may be good." Stuff like that. The men stayed back a little bit but where still much apart of looking at the toys.

I couldn't help but wonder how well these couples know each other. It's one thing to go shopping at a sex store with your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, but I figure it would be another thing to shop with another couple. Makes you wonder what's going on?

I May have Over Reacted

I'm only human. I think my termite problem is just a winged ant problem. It's always good to admit when you are wrong. So, I'm admitting it. I take back every "... my ass" thought that I had towards the worker in management.

p.s. - i'm glad i didn't spend too much money on plastic containers.

I'm switching to Plastic

I'm going to make everything in my apartment plastic. Yep, it's all going to be plasic. I came in contact with my first termite on Saturday. I had a full body shiver when I was told that it's probably a termite. Aaargh!!! In my apartment. In my bedroom no less!!! Aaargh!!

I'm lounging in my bed, watching my cat look out the window, (Hey, it's better than watching fish.) when I see what looks to be a fly on the window. I'm not bothered by flys. Open the window, let them out. Then I happen to see another fly emerge. From a crack in the window sill. I'm thinking, "where did that one come from?" So I get up to look. There's a big crack (kinda shows that this apartment was "thrown together" rather than correctly built). There are ants crawling around, and these winged insects don't look like flies.

I immediately grab some ant bait, left over from a couple of months ago when I saw ants crawling around my bathroom floor. (I swear I keep this place fairly clean. They're in the walls. I swear it.) Place the bait on the two corners of the window sill and watch them come to the sweet poison. "Die! Die! Die! Take that poison to your queen mother and colony, and Die!" Once upon a time I liked ants, then I turned four years old.

Next I call my sister, or was it my parents.... It was my parents. Told them what looked to be flies, but I knew they weren't. "Seems like you may have termites," they tell me. Aaargh! Knowing that just makes you want to cringe and scratch all over. At least I know for a fact, that it's nothing I did.

Well, I have plans to visit a friend in Kentucky, and I want this taken care of without having to worry about my cat. (There are other things to worry about in regards to my cat when I leave him alone. Like peeing somewhere besides the litter box.) I clean my room of everything. The bed sheets are gone, the clothing, pillows, everything. I know they are more interested in the wood, but I had to get what I could out of there. I kill what ants and termites I can and leave. I know that's not going to take care of the problem, but I can't do anything right now. My only option is to tell the management of the apartment complex.

Nine o'clock finally arrives and I'm off to the apartment complex office. Two girls are working. They must be assistants, because the manager is off working on something else.

"Can I help you with anything?" one girl asks. (She's bound to be early 20's)

"Yes, I want to report there are ants crawling around my bedroom window sill, and possibly termites. I've done what I can now for the ants and laid out bait for them, but I wanted you to know about the termites."

"That's not possible," she tells me.

Not possible my ass. "These things look like flying ants, but I know they aren't. They have thin, long bodies, with wings, and they are flying around."

"They're probably silver fish."

Silver fish my ass. Do you even know what silver fish look like. Those are harmless.
"Listen I'm pretty sure they are termites."

"Well we can't call the exterminator until Monday or Tuesday."

Damn it.

So most of the time I'm in Kentucky, I'm thinking about about these ants and termites having fun in my bedroom. I'm thinking in my head about what I want to say to the manager, "They are a bother to me, but they'll wreck havoc on your apartment complex."

So I come home to see what's happened. I only see one or two ants walking around. That was something I expected. But it definatley wasn't the amount on Saturday. I don't see the termites on my window. In my mind, I know they aren't gone. I soon find a couple walking on the carpet under the window. So what do I do? There's a reason why I've kept old pickle jars. I'm catching them and taking them straight over to the office tomorrow morning.

"They're probably silver fish." Hell no. These are not silver fish. Examine the evidence girls. I've even taken pictures of the cracks on my window sills. I probably should have reported that earlier. Hind sight is 20/20.

Now I can't sleep in my room tonight. I know they aren't interested in me, but in the wood. But, aargh! How can I sleep in there. It's the couch for me tonight.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Continued...

To answer a personal request...

10. I watch Christmas movies during the middle of summer. Actually, I watch them whenever I feel down. But I recently came across an Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas video that I couldn't pass up. A Muppet's Christmas Carol is one of my favorite Christmas movies.

11. I have a strange fascination with alcohol. I don't drink often, which doesn't explain my fascination. During a spell of home sickness a couple of weeks ago, I went to the liqour store and bought two types of Kentucky Bourbon - Maker's Mark and Wild Turkey. No one believes me when I say I haven't opened the bottles. I have to like what I drink and Bourbon is strong stuff. Especially Maker's Mark. That liquid goes down strong.

12. I've attended bartending school. It felt like a two week vacation during my two years of social work. Never bartended though, but I don't regret one dollar of the money I spent on that education. I know I would regret never doing it. My parents actually get a kick out of the fact I went to bartending school. Though my mom feared at first that I would begin drinking alot after my education.

13. I like to buy toys at Hustler of Hollywood. (You'll have to look that up to know what kind of toys I'm talking about.)

14. For the third time in my life, I'm gonna have to quit smoking. Damn it. It's going to be hard since I enjoy this habit. Double Damn it.

15. I fall asleep laying on my stomach.

16. I usually wake up laying on my back.

16a. What does my body do in the middle of the night?

17. I'm not Catholic, but sometimes I have the urge to confess to a Priest. What's that all about?

18. I read the Bible and I've read the book titled The Story of O. (You'll have to look that up too. I don't remember the author.) The Story of O is a strange book. I read it because a friend of mine wanted to discuss this book in a book club. I don't know how I could have discussed this book.

19. I can't wait until Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is released.

20. I'm currently listening to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

21. To be continued when the time is right...

Have a good day.

Monday, June 20, 2005

So It Does Happen

(Click on the above title to read the article I'm writing about.)

I couldn't resist talking about this article. Orgasms really are a mind blowing experience for women. Research shows that a woman's brain shuts down for orgasm, leaving us prepared for wonderful orgasms. From what I gather, it's allowing us to give up our inhibitions and enjoy all those wonderful sensations. Giving up control.

But there are a couple of points in this article I want to point out...

1. To successfully conduct this experiment, the woman's head had to remain still. The rest of the body can move, just not the head. Which is important. There's got to be hip action for this research to take place, but how in the world did these women orgasm without moving their heads? When all inhibitions are gone and sensations take over, the whole body moves. Including the head. Or is this just me? I mean, my head shakes from side to side. Tilts back. Raises up on occassion. It doesn't stay in one place.

2. How are this individuals able to take part in this research? Having scientists watch and make note of every single brain activity during sex. Were they able to perform at their best? How long did it take to reach orgasm?

3. Scratch #2. I just realized what I wrote. How could I forget that many people become horny with the thought of someone watching.

4. The couples were allowed to wear socks to keep their feet from getting cold. I say, "Forget the socks, bring on the high heels and boots." That would spice up the sex.

5. What does it imply when they couldn't research a man's brain activity during sex? Humm.

6. I can't believe I just talked about this.

Have a good day!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Shopping in Ohio

Everytime I go shopping in Ohio, I'm reminded of why I don't like this state. Beyond the people I work with, Ohio people are rude. People racing around to do their grocery shopping as if it's a sport. Hurrying to get past you to get their item they want to buy. Trying to beat you to the cash register. Then giving instructions to the cashier on how to handle their order. "Put those flowers (fake flowers) in a separate bag. Please be careful with these flowers (again, fake flowers)." You would think the cashier was stomping their foot on them. People are not paying attention to where they are going. It's like defensive driving, but in the grocery store.

I always try to be respectful and courteous to cashiers, because it's my assumption that it's not the best job in the world. You're having to stand on your feet for many hours. Hear complaints from shoppers that the bread just scanned was the wrong price. Complain about coupons that are not taking off enough of the price. When what do you know, the coupon was old and useless.

I live in an area for about 10 months where there are two shopping malls. I've been in those malls for a total of seven times. If that. I only go if I have to. I don't want to put up with the shoppers.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

A Personal Revelation

Call it a revelation. Call it an epiphany. Call it a wake-up call. Call it whatever you like, I had one last week. I've had a crush on this particular guy for almost a year. He's attractive, smart, and nice. He's much older than me; about 12 years to be exact. Just a tad shorter than me. Which is strange because I never like guys who are shorter than me. I've always had this thing with height. Usually I wouldn't give a guy a second glance when I find out that I'm taller than him. But this guy was different. When I moved away from the South, I also moved away from him. I saw him on a weekly basis when I lived in the South. We were only friends. Not really close friends, but friends.

Just last Thursday I found out he was dating someone. She's a nice lady. And as much as my heart hurt, I was happy for them. To tell you the truth, I frequently did wonder why they weren't dating. They're going to get married. They don't know that yet. But they are going to marry each other. How do I know you ask? I'm psychic about these things. I've predicted marriages and break-ups. I don't know if you call it a gift. But it's something I've been able to do.

Now that's not the epiphany. My epiphany was something that disturbed me. I became upset with myself. After I got over the short heartache, I felt free. I don't ever remember feeling free after a heartache. I felt free because I realized that I was trying to be something that I wasn't when I liked this guy. I never thought I was good enough for him. Though I've seen him for about two hours in the past 10 months, my mind always felt the need to be perfect. Specifically a good Christian gal, since I knew him from church. Well ... I'm just not good at that. Sometimes I equate being Christian to being Perfect. Well, I'm not perfect, and shame on me for trying to be perfect and to be good enough for him.

So the question I have for myself is, "who am I?" For the past year I've tried to be someone that I'm not. So what have I missed out on? What kind of life have I not lived because of this crush? I'm having to find out who I am again. I'm having to tell myself that it's okay to be a certain way despite what other people may think. It's not their opinion that should matter. And besides, do I really want to act a certain way for a guy to like me? That would be stupid of me because I would have to be someone I'm not around him. That's not being true to myself, and it's hard to keep up the act.

So I'm trying to take mental notes I who I am. Some may seem silly. But this is who I am.

1. I happen to like watching documentaries on the American Revolution time period. Yes, for fun I borrow from the library the four volume video set of Founding Brothers, based on the book with the same title by Joseph Ellis.
2. I think Benjamin Franklin was cool fella in his day. I think it's neat that he was a vegetarian for the reason to save money to buy books. I think Mr. Franklin would be one of those present-day scholars who would discuss politics at a bar with a beer in hand. You've got to admire that.
3. I sometimes pass the time crocheting or knitting. Yes it can be boring, but so is television when nothing is good on.
4. I like to smoke on a balcony when it's dark outside. My first cigarette was on a balcony at night. I have the chance to see my world from my balcony. For the years I didn't smoke, I still craved a cigarette on the balcony. And since it seems I've picked the habit up once again (after last week's horrible news), I go to my balcony a dusk and enjoy a smoke.
5. I don't have to be happy unless I want to. So, everyone, get over it. I'm not always going to have a smile on my face, and I'm not always going to be friendly. Most of the time, yes, I will be. But not all the time.
6. If I want to read a romance book, by hell, I'm going to read it. Many librarians look down on people who read romance books, but sometimes you need something short and sweet just to raise your spirits.
7. I hate reality shows. For the most part, I'm fucking tired of them. There's only one I'm considering on watching... Beauty and the Geek, and I only watched the last 10 minutes of it tonight.
8. I have a tendency to make weird faces. It goes along with the situation I'm in. Don't ask me where it started. I don't know. I can have a poker face when I need one.
9. Speaking of Poker, I'd love to learn how to play Texas Hold'em. I enjoy watching it on television. That is, if I had the money for cable. I don't have ESPN. Or ESPN 2. Or really nothing.
10. (I'll get to number 10 later.)