I made a trip to the gym today. It was my answer to ending a two-week long feeling of self-hatred. Right now the gym isn't a part of the top ten things I enjoy, but surprisingly, I feel better. I'm sweaty. My hair looks like a mess. I smell. But, I feel better. I don't think I could have gone another day of feeling completely useless and hopeless. Actually, yes I could. Ten years of low to aggressive depression lets me know that I could do it. Self-hatred is nothing new to me.
Right now I wish I still smoked. A cigarette sounds good right now. I have a balcony, and I loved smoking on a balcony. It's not too cold out. It's nighttime and the stars are out. The perfect setting to smoke and let my thoughts wander around in my brain. I do my best thinking when I'm driving, and when I use to smoke. Marlboro Lights and Ultra Lights. Sometimes a Menthol Light. I have a new friend who smokes, maybe I can bum one off of her.
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