Why Do People Believe in God?

What's the driving force? What's the emotion? What brings a person to believe in Jesus Christ? What's the evidence? Faith? Trust? A longing? Acceptance? I don't get it anymore. At one time, I thought I did. And this was for a long period of time.

I grew up going to a Christian Church. The denomination was Christian Church/Church of Christ. I remember having a very child-like faith all the way up to college. I was active in church youth group activities. I went to church camp every summer in high school. People at school knew I was a Christian. There were no problems with me living my faith. Pretty simple up to this point.

College came and things changed. Well, depression hit hard (I seem to have a history of this) and I was mad. I hated myself, but I was mad a God. Now I don't think He gave me depression, but I do think that He didn't help me through it. I was upset and tired with Him. Therefore, I suggested to him that we go our separate ways.

Let's fast forward a year or two. More like two. We reconcile our differences. I shouldn't have blamed God like I did. I started going to church again. Had a really good time, but there were lingering doubts. I was never going to have a child-like faith anymore. No matter which way you slice it.

I'm going to make a long stort short and fast forward to the present. I don't think I believe in God anymore. I've been trying to do some research on the history of the Bible and Christianity. Even some Evolution vs. Creationism. The more answers I find, the more questions I have. And sometimes I just want to ask God, "If you wanted us to believe you, why have you made it so hard for us to find answers what would direct us towards you?"

I'm tired of searching. Frustrated. I have half the answers. That's not to say that I believe the Bible is wrong and the Origin of Species is correct. If someone has the answers, let me know. And don't tell me to ask God for the answers, or to read the Case for Christ, the Case for Faith, or the Case for Creation. I've done that.

Politics, Greed, and Love

My mindset has changed the couple of months I've lived in Ohio. My views on the world, nation, people, politics, and religion have altered. I used to think I had my views all straightened out and set. It's not like that anymore, and I don't believe they are suppose to be that way. I would hope that I'm mature enough to know that one's opinions can change depending on circumstances that occur in one's life, and fthe acts that are presented to them.

The 2004 election made me evaluate why I am a Republican. My values have both Republican and Democrat viewpoints. I believe in government programs, but they aren't the answer to everyone's strife. Putting more money into government programs is not going to necessarily help the poor. At least it won't help all poor. I have some religious values (more on that later) but I will agree to gay and lesbian marriage. I guess I'm more Independent now. But the day grass turns naturally purple is the day I will change my party affiliation to Democrat.

I voted for Bush. For the same reason that many people voted for Kerry. Anyone who doesn't like it, can get over it. Neither one was going to "save" this country. I've voted for politicians before based on the fact that I didn't want the other person to win. The person I voted for won, and the state became worse.

I think America needs the position leadership of the President, VP, Legislature, and the President's Cabinet if for the only reason is to give us someone to blame for our country's woes. We're all greedy. To some extent. Some more than others. I love my country and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else, but we can be a greedy nation. Sometimes I believe that's our downfall.

I've always been proud to be an American, and I was very proud to be an American when our love for mankind showed itself when the Tsunami devestated a land filled with strangers. We don't know those individuals. They don't know us. Love and kindness trumped greed as we helped any way we could. For most of us, it was with money. Some of us could only lift them up in prayers. It took a natural disaster in a foreign land to wake us up and show our love. We are filled with more than just greed.

Hang up your cell phone

For a couple of days I didn't feel like posting anything new for the reason that I was sounding too depressed. And believe me, I was. I had visions of painting my apartment black. My landlord wouldn't mind as long as I re-painted it white when I moved out. Do you know how hard it would be to paint white over black? So needless to say, my walls are still white. I did give great consideration to smoking again. I quit smoking 2.5 years ago, but a depressed mood can take me back. I still like breathing so I think I'll try to stay away longer.

If there is one thing I hate in this world, it's cell phones. Yes I do have one, and only for the fact that it's cheaper to use my cell phone to call my family in another state than some of the other phone coverage plans I've seen. I rarely use it in front of other people. I don't people to hear my conversations with my family and friends. And for those individuals who use their cell phones everywhere (grocery store, library, movies, retaurants, etc...), what makes you think I want to hear your conversation? Sometimes I think they have such nerve. If you must talk in the company of strangers on your cell phone, please do so quietly. You don't have to yell. I don't want to know about the fight you had with your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend/family. I could really care less. So hang up.

I Guess I Am Pissed Off

I'm one of those people who doesn't become upset to often. My opinions and feelings have been repressed for a really long time. Often times I attempt to figure out just why that is. I've grown up around alot of, what I call bullies. Emotional and social bullies. Not physically, but they were just plan assholes. Granted I didn't know that at the time, it took me years to figure it out. Ten to fifteen years. Damn that's a long time.

The bullies kept me quiet. And they did it in a very subtle fashion. My fault really. I didn't want to say anything to make them mad or to think I was stupid. I should have just gone up to them and said, "fuck you." It's amazing what you don't think of to do when you are 10 years old. Then 15 years old. Then twenty. Twenty-five. Damn, can you say wuss?

Ok, so I grew up to treat everyone nicely. A minor mishap. It only lead to my feelings of needing to be quiet. I may hurt someone's feelings for heavens sake. You think I would have learned to say "fuck it" and go on. Nope, not this girl. I'm more likely to turn away from someone, and think, "what an idiot." See, I can't even say "fuck it" in my head.

Lately there hasn't been too many people around me that I've wanted to voice my opinion too. Most of the people are from high school, a couple of people I went to college with, and ex co-workers. Strangely enough, I still have dreams (nightmares really) about people at high school that I never had the chance to give a piece of my mind too. My ten year reunion is coming up. This could be my chance to do it, but why in the hell would I want to go to my ten year reunion?
My fear is that it will be high school all over again. And who wants that? Only those people who feel compelled to try to be cool again and compare themselves to everyone. At least that's how I envision my 10 year high school reunion. There's really only one person I want to see, and it's to see if he's as cute as he was when we graduated.

Back to the Gym and Smoking

I made a trip to the gym today. It was my answer to ending a two-week long feeling of self-hatred. Right now the gym isn't a part of the top ten things I enjoy, but surprisingly, I feel better. I'm sweaty. My hair looks like a mess. I smell. But, I feel better. I don't think I could have gone another day of feeling completely useless and hopeless. Actually, yes I could. Ten years of low to aggressive depression lets me know that I could do it. Self-hatred is nothing new to me.

Right now I wish I still smoked. A cigarette sounds good right now. I have a balcony, and I loved smoking on a balcony. It's not too cold out. It's nighttime and the stars are out. The perfect setting to smoke and let my thoughts wander around in my brain. I do my best thinking when I'm driving, and when I use to smoke. Marlboro Lights and Ultra Lights. Sometimes a Menthol Light. I have a new friend who smokes, maybe I can bum one off of her.