Stressed Out

I've stressed myself out to the point of sickness. Headaches. Stomachaches. Pain in my neck and shoulders. I do whatever I can as a form of stress relief. Crochet. Knit. Sew. Read. Color (yes, I've been coloring but staying in the lines have a tendency to stress me out.) I'd go for a long drive in the car, but gas still isn't cheap and there's no lovely scenery around here. I would shop, but a review of my finances tells me it's not a good idea.

Full Range of Emotions

I could not have been on a more cury, up and down roller coster of emotions as I have been the past 26 days. Sadness. Anger. Desperation. Pain. Happiness. Elation. Down Cast. My mom and my sister took my father to the hospital emergency room on October 1st and he's been in the hospital ever since. There's too much to describe what's happened to my dad in the past month to explain everything, but I think the phrase, "we almost lost him," covers the severity of his stay.

A gentleman called for my dad yesterday. He asked where he was. "He's in the hospital," I replied very manner of factly.

"He's still there!?" he replied.

Oh how much I wanted to say, "Yes he most certainly his. Coming close to death can keep you in the hospital for a long time."

The first week and half was the worst. His two daughter's and his wife were at his side 24/7 at the hospital. Having the night shift was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because the hospital has finally calmed down. The lights are dim and it's easier to get the nurses attention if you need something. A curse because it was my shift that dad seemed to get worse, and to gain some sleep during the day was impossible because all his friends and family would call for an update.

And oh how much I wanted to say, "Stop calling! I'm trying to sleep! Dad had only 46% in his blood, he's agitated, can't sleep and can't breathe well. I'm tired and fucking scared! Now let me cry my eyes out and go to sleep."

I'm the first to admit that I can't write too well when I'm emotional. Give me some time.

The road I walk

The road is long.
The road is old.
Step by step my feet take me.
No direction to go but forward.

My head is heavy.
My heart is tired.
I look up to see forever, and
Know this is the road I walk.

Homesick

I'm feeling so homesick right now that the feeling seems to dwell in my bones.

There are errands I need to run before it's dark and I don't have the gumption to do them. I don't want to be on the streets of Ohio. It seems so unpleasant to me. The green grass up here doesn't compare to the beauty of Kentucky. There are no rock fences to admire. No rolling hills of green with scattered trees to sooth me. I don't have the chance to watch horses gallop across the land. No barns to come across. I hear sirens and car horns on these streets, where in Kentucky I would hear nature. There's nothing like driving down a country road with the windows open and sense nature traveling thru the car.

Once I was in a car riding along the Scenic Bypass in Central Kentucky with all the windows open. It was Fall. A stray leaf came in from the passenger side window, traveled across in front of the driver and out the driver's window. I'd like to think the leaf said, "hello."

I miss being around my family. I'm amazed at how much strength they provide me. Being up here, without them, I feel really weak. Not physically, but still weak.

I had the strong urge to talk with Memaw. It was the sewing that brought the urge. I feel close to Memaw when I begin to sew, and at the same time, sad. The quilts she gave me while growing up are my prized possessions. I'm learning to sew now that she's gone. While finishing up my first project, a lap quilt, I wanted to call her up and ask, "am I doing this correctly?" Her phone number is still in my cell phone. I don't have the heart to delete it. My mom gave me some of Memaw's leftover fabric she never used. I'll tell you, the colors are not the prettiest in the world, but I look at them and think, "I can't waste them. I can't make a mistake with them. They were Memaw's." I want to make several quilts from them, but I'm afraid of making too many errors with them that they end up as waste.

I unfolded one the pieces of fabric, held it up to my nose, took a deep breath and I was transported to Memaw's house. I saw her sitting in her favorite chair. I felt her giving me a hug. I felt her hug. I saw her smile. I heard her laugh. I heard her say, "you're going to move back down here and take care of me. Aren't you."

I wondered how long that scent would last. How much would remain once I washed it? It doesn't need to be washed. Does it?

Someone explain to me...

Someone explain to me why after a month of being smoke-free, I picked up a cigarette and smoked it to completion. I smoked a couple in fact. I blame it on stress. They say exercise is good to handle stress, but when it's midnight, your mind is racing with "what if's" and you can't sleep, exercise doesn't seem to be the answer.

Vacation gave me the rest I needed. Sleep, read, and clean. (Cleaning doesn't sound like vacation but I enjoyed straightening the basement with all it's clutter. That doesn't mean I'm coming to your house to do the same though.) I come back to Ohio to realize I have an interview for a job back in Kentucky. I have one day to prepare and work around my schedule for this interview. In my mind I'm thinking, "Is this a courtesy interview? Do they have someone in mind for the job?" The phone call for the interview came while I was away and they were in a hurry to fill the position. I made the call Monday morning, and I had to interview the next day or I was out of luck. That's a two to two and one half hour trip one way for an hour interview. Needless to say, I was completely tired when I came back to Ohio last night.

I have another job interview set for this Friday. This one is for my boss's job. He's moving on to higher and better, and calmer places. Me and a co-worker are both applying. We work side-by-side many times. It feels odd to go up against her for the job. At first she wasn't thinking about applying but she changed her mind when she say the salary. She's married with a baby on the way. The money will help her family. As soon as I found out she was vying for the job I felt defeated. I compare us and feel that the "power's that be" will chose her over me. Shit. I hate feeling like that.

So, one job would take me back to Kentucky, other will keep me in Ohio - the land of useless nuts. (The Buckeye tree is the official Ohio tree. You can't do squat with the nuts from the tree. Therefore, Ohioans are useless nuts.) Let's do a comparison of the jobs...

Kentucky job....

• I'm back in my home state of Kentucky (+)
• I'll be closer to my family (+)
• It's in a rural area (+/-)
• The salary isn't as high as the Ohio position (-)
• I won't be working in a public library setting (+/-)
• I'm going to feel clueless in the job (-) But, I still think I can do it.
• I already have two years of retirement with the system I would be working for (+)
• I'll have my own office (+)

Ohio job....

• Higher salary than the Kentucky job (+)
• I'll still be in Ohio (-)
• I'll still be away from my family (-)
• I'll remain near my friends I've made here (-)
• The position would give me supervisory experience (+)
• I'll be in a public library setting (+/-)
• I'll have my own office (+)
• I'll be supervising people I've worked side-by-side with (+/-)

One thing about the Kentucky job, I feel my parents have very high hopes that I get the job. I know my parents are proud of me no matter if I get the job or not, but I know how much they would like me back in the state.