Random Thoughts...

What's going through my mind...

• I didn't get the chance to vote today. The news reminded me once again that Ohio was the deciding factor of the 2004 election. If people are talking politics and they piss me off, I can just smile and say I voted for Bush. That will really make them mad, but I'll have a smile on my face in watching their anger.
• I heard John Kerry may run again for President in 2008. I wonder how many people will vote for him since he wouldn't be running against George Bush. There were tons and tons of people who voted for him just because he wasn't George Bush.
• Nothing is going through my mind.
• Nothing.
• Absolutely nothing.
• Nothing excites me right now.
• No movie.
• No book.
• No conversation.
• Nothing on the internet.
• Nothing.
• I hate those moments.
• Fuck.

I was bored

Folks, I was just a little bored. A change was needed.

My Greatest Accomplishment

This blog is my place to say whatever comes to mind. Mostly stupid and crazy stuff with a rant thrown in from time to time. On very rare occassions I write about something that really affects me. That touches me to the core in which I share with the public. Honestly, I've done it once and I later deleted the post. Here is a rare occassion.

My greatest accomplishment in my 2_ years on earth .... I made my Memaw (Grandmother) smile. An accomplishment that occurred over and over while she was still living but one smile brings tears to my eyes as well as smile of my own.

My Memaw and I shared a special joke that my family and some of my friends knew about. It's funny so I had shared the joke with other people. But it was something that no one else could join in with. It was ours.

To an extent, Memaw was an old fashioned lady. Sometimes to a far extent she was an old fashioned lady. She strongly believed in her daughters and granddaughters to get an education and earn a living. We should not have to depend on a man for survival but, she still wanted us to have loving husband by our side. I suppose she wanted us to be happy with someone to lean on. To not be alone.

Frequently in my twenty's Memaw would ask me, "Do you have yourself a fella?" The answer was always no. Sometimes I would receive the you're-being-too-picky speech and that I'm going to pass up the right guy because of my pickiness. God love my Memaw, I would look at her, smile and say, "I love you Memaw." I'd give her a hug and we would go on. The subject was over... at least for this time.

There came a time when I thought I would be smart. I was ready for her question...

Memaw: (always asked with a loving smile) Do you have yourself a fella?

Me: No Memaw. You're a God fearing woman, why don't you pray for me a fella?

Memaw: I do. I ask God to bring you a good man that will love you and be good to you.

Me: Ok Memaw. I love you.

So from then on, whenever Memaw asked the question, "Do you have a fella?" I piped back with a "Have you been praying for one Memaw?"

The answer was always given with a laugh and smile which was a "Yes."

At the beginning of the New Year in 2006, my Memaw had a massive stroke which affected her right side, her speech and her swallowing. Without going into alot of detail, my Memaw passed away in her sleep April 5th. Three months and two days after her stroke.

My last visit with Memaw is one I will never forget. She looked really good that day. Her eyes looked alert and recognized me and my sister. Some of the doctors and other didn't know if Memaw recognized people, but I have know doubt in my mind she knew who I was. I walked to the left side of her bed, looked into her eyes, and reached for her left hand which was raising up to grab mine. Her mouth was thinned but I saw the corners turn up in a slight smile.

I would hold and rub her hand, bend down and give her a kiss on her shoulder. "I'm just giving you some lovin' Memaw." Over the Christmas holiday when I spent a week with Memaw I would give her kisses on the cheek. "You're just giving me lovin'," Memaw would say.

After minutes of holding Memaw's hand, I stopped being greedy and let my sister take my place. I moved to the foot of her bed and just watched Memaw. Her health hadn't been well. She had her good days and bad days. Another stroke could come anytime. Truth be told, she probably had some mini strokes since her first massive stroke.

Visiting someone at a nursing home is never easy, most especially a loved one. To see Memaw there and not be able to have a conversation with her was just painful. Sometimes I never knew what to say. I did learn that just being there with her was better than any words I could say but at that moment, standing at the foot of her bed, with my sister, mom and aunt with us, Memaw was looking at me and I just let her know with my arms open wide, "Memaw I still don't have a fella."

The reaction from Memaw was the best I had seen from her since the stroke. The laughter was shown brilliantly through her eyes and smile. In that one moment I knew she knew who I was and what I said with our little joke. You can't beat that folks.

So, just a few days after that visit with my Memaw, when in a job interview I was asked, "What is your greatest accomplishment?" Without at second thought, my answer was...

"I made my Memaw smile."

Fuck Politics

Please excuse the very blunt title I've presented to you, but that's the mood I'm in. It's been a bad day everyone. Thank goodness for the little 10 year old male who came to the library looking for music by Eminem and Johnny Cash. He provided the chuckle I needed to finish the day at work.

Let's see here, what exactly happened today? I had the misfortune of finding out by accident that I did not get the job I wanted back in Kentucky. And, I could be seeing things that aren't really there, but I think politics had a part in why I didn't get the job.

I like my job here in Ohio. I don't care for Ohio, but I like who I work with and for the most part, the people who come to the library. But, a job opened up at a University in Kentucky for a Justice and Safety Librarian. The topic alone grabbed my attention. There aren't many specialized libraries in this particular subject matter, and I wanted it. I applied for the job, but I kept in mind that I don't come from an academic library background. I was really surprised when I had my first interview with the university. By telephone no less. Flabbergasted (did I spell that correctly) that I was offered a 2nd interview. This was an all day interview in which I had to give a 35 minutes (actually 45 minutes) presentation.

I talked with the Dean of Libraries who informed me there were over 100 applicants for this position and another open position combined, and I was one of three people asked to come to campus for the 2nd interview. They were looking for someone who was interested in the topic (hell, that was one of the main reasons why I applied) and not for someone just looking for a job. The search committee chair said she is still working on contacting the candidates' references. (Each person had three.) My 2nd interview was last Thursday, and they were going to decide early this week.

Imagine my surprise when I see this email come through my inbox...

"The good news is that Nicole has been offered and has accepted a
position
about which she is enthusiastic. She will be Justice and Safety
Librarian
at Eastern Kentucky University. Justice and Safety is one of the
colleges
at EKU, and its library is one of the branch libraries in the EKU
library
system. She'll provide instructional services and general reference.
The bad news is, of course, that we'll lose her; Friday April 14 will
be
her last day here. We'll start at once to look for a successor.
What a difference she has made in the 15 months or so she has been
Student
Affairs Officer. I've thanked her any number of times for coming to my
(and
the school's) aid, and I want to thank her again.
I know everyone joins me in wishing her well in her new position."
Dennis Carrigan

Now this D. Carrigan had no idea I would be seeing this email. This was sent to all the students on the Library School listserv, which I still happen to be apart of. He had no idea that I applied for the job, nor that I was asked for a 2nd interview.

One, I was hurt to find out this way, and to know who did get the job. I know for a fact that this Nicole has been searching for a job since she graduated from Library School. 15 months and she now has one. I can't help but think back to the conversation with the Dean of Libraries in my interview how they aren't searching for someone who is only looking for a job, but someone interested in the subject matter.

Two, I can only imagine the three people Nicole listed as her references. This Carrigan is the Assistant Dean of the only College of Library Science in Kentucky. She would have been crazy not to put his name down along with the Dean and other Library School professors on her resume. How the fuck am I suppose to compete with that?

Three, the search committee chair never checked up on my references. She talked with one. She and my current boss (and reference) kept playing phone tag. I know because my boss is truthful with me (and I didn't hear his phone ring.)

So, I'm pissed off. Rightfully so or not, I'm still pissed off. And hurt.

The Upcoming Class Reunion

My 10 year +1 high school class reunion is set to arrive in just a couple of months. I am glad to inform everyone that I will not be going. I have no intention of attending a reunion where I feel more people will be concerned on how better they are doing than everyone else. I graduated with a bunch of people who had the need to be better than the person they sat beside in Homeroom Class.

Technically there are probably only a handful of people I don't want to see, but knowing my luck, they will be there. And it will be enough to make my time there miserable. My mom seems to be more interested in knowing how my former classmates are doing than I am. What was that phrase she asked me the other night... "what happened to that guy I wanted you to date? what was his name, Kyle, Craig, Scott, etc...?" In my head I'm thinking, the guys names were Brian and Shane, and you know all about them.

The invitation included a questionaire to fill out in which my responses will go into a directory for our class. The one question that amused me was, "What is your funniest memory of high school?" (I talked this question over with my sister, I need help with the answer.)

"Don't you have a memory of someone falling down in gym class?" she asked me.

"Yeah, it was me." Yes, I had the nice fortune of falling face first on my stomach in gym class infront of Jeremy D., Travis U. and Jennifer L. After playing three different sports in high school, you'd think I would not trip over my own two feet to kiss the ground hard. Oh well.

Once I thought about it, I do have a favorite memory of high school. It was hearing that "good natured-never do anything wrong-look at me I'm great" Kellie G. was late to school because she was pulled over by a police officer for not stopping at a stop sign. (People didn't know her mean and evil side like I did. We spent 8 years playing sports together on the same team. I got to know her fairly well). Interstingly enough, she married a police officer who ended up trading sexual favors with women (or woman, sorry) that he pulled over on the road for law violations. Humm.